Archive for the ‘PigBird’s Cage’ Category

A quick look into the markets today revealed a most intriguing figure: over 9,000 unused helix sitting there at the top of the market waiting to be sold at “rock”-bottom prices.  What a deal!

Helix Cost Per Total Cost User Selling Options
9,202 399,000 3,671,598,000 Feltash [Buy] [Buy All]

Upon closer inspection and some digging, this ace reporter discovered that this cache of stones was being sold off by non other than the infamous game developer himself – The Mighty Feltash!

Feltash?!?! Selling helix?!?! For cheap?!?! What gives???

Well, it turns out that the head game developer is close to being bankrupt.  An anonymous (not to be confused with an anonyMOOSE…) source close the Helix Seller told this roving reporter that, “Felt is up to his neck in debt, what with his uncontrollable addiction…”

In an archived private interview from the “Old School Age,” Feltash confided in this hog-squealer, “It started off innocently enough – a little here; a little there….  It became an obsession; I just could not get enough!”

Twice being released from rehabilitation clinics (once in 2003 and again most recently in 2009), it appears Feltash cannot successfully kick the habit of dwarf tossing.  It started a long time ago, when he was just a wee lad, playing British Bulldog on the rocky plains atop the Cliffs of Dover, always targeting the little underfed primary students.  “They were the easiest to tackle,” Feltash is reported to have simply explained to his school’s head master when being disciplined for throwing one of the little tykes overboard, as if this justified his actions.

British Bulldog quickly evolved into the seedy underworld of midget tossing.  The illegal sport, banned in most of the civilized world, is big business for those seeking a new and exciting thrill when regular narcotics just won’t do the trick.  Once Feltash tasted the rare ecstasy one can only associate with throwing little people into the air, he was hooked.

Midget tossing turned into dwarf tossing when Feltash was introduced to it recently by some friends in an debauch-filled outing to Las Vegas last spring.  He has not looked back since.

“He really enjoys tossing us into the air,” says Lenny R., one of the little people regularly tossed around by Feltash.  “He just is not very good at it, unfortunately.”  This expensive inept combination of a love for the sport has apparently spiraled out of control for Feltash.  So much so, he has resorted to selling off rare and collectible sets of armour as well as his own personal stash of helix. 

Can Feltash sustain this torid pace of tossing dwarfs?  His supporters, namely Lenny R. the midget, thinks he can.  “Feltash’s resources are infinite, it seems.  And he has been doing this a long time, now.  I don’t see him giving it up so easily.  I think he will stick it out.  After all, nationals are coming up, and he has a lot of training still to do.” 

Only time will tell how this story will be played out….

This reporter vows to keep his snout on this tale, and will update his loyal readers if anything ground-breaking develops.

Editor’s Note: no little people were hurt in the complete fabrication of this story.

7
Jan

You got any ID(#s, that is…)?

   Posted by: SwineParrot

In a world of iPads, SmartPhones, computers, and personal assistants, it is a wonder any of us can remember ANYTHING anymore!

I have found that over the last few years my brain has become a real mush pile of useless grey matter.  I can hardly remember what I had for breakfast this morning, let alone important stuff like phone numbers!  I literally have to block out all external stimuli and think really, Really, REALLY hard when someone asks me for my phone number! 

(Actually, by the time they ask me for my digits, it is usually after a series of “pfft…”s, “Really? You really don’t have blue tooth?…”s, “What do you mean your cell phone can’t mount my Blackberry???  How do I input your phone number???”s as they grumpily shove their iphone/BlackBerry/Smart Phone back in their pocket; but that is for another blog on another day…)  

And we are talking about my CURRENT home number! My work number? Forgedabodit!  I have to look ON the phone when someone asks me what it is if I am making an outside call…  My last home number? I think there was a 7 and a 2 in it. Or maybe it was only a 2… Damned if I know!

But, alas, my inability to remember most numbers in my life have not been impacted in one area – my beloved DARK FORTRESS found hidden in the Mountains of Dark Warriors just outside of Westland…

You slowly creep up to the Dark Fortress, watching your every step carefully to make sure your not beingfollowed. You quickly dart inside the door after having a quick look around. Inside you see several warriors wearing hooded robes. You walk past them and head towards the medium’s parlor.

Welcome to my parlor SwineParrot, from here you are able to heal dead warriors with the power of a seance, you may also use your ability to part with a lost soul which allows you to not to be battled by a certain player for a whole reset.

For as little as 10 Ability Points, this well-known area has saved my life more than once!  When you are killed so often by the same people you begin to remember a few digits.

I have become so proficient, I exercise my mushy brain by making little games out of trying to remember player IDs without having to copy them into the Parting Area.

Without naming names, I am sure you recognize a few of these player IDs found in your own logs.  I have included some fun tips to help you in your own Partings every reset. 

477993 – a 4  some 7s, then 9s and end it with one less than 4 – see? easy-peasy!

787255 – he is a new one for me, but i just flew in on a 737 from Florida, so that might help, right?…

507306 – another new one, but a 5, then a zero, then 2 more than 5, then 2 less than 5, then that zero again, and one less than 6! NO PROBLEM!!!

42 – she cheated, I can’t remember her old one, but 42 is freaking easier to remember than whatever it was before, so thanks for that, Ana!

393764 – I am still ****ed with that one. I have settled on saying it three or four times really fast to try that old tried and true method of short term memorization we all used so much in university…

427395 – he is just mad that I found some tokens in his unguarded Outpost the other day.  He will cool off soon enough (good thing, too, as I don’t have a good trick for him…)

211513 – no ****ing trick here, we have all been killed by him so many times, I had no choice BUT to commit it to memory.  Sometimes I go to sleep with those numbers buzzing in my head, and me wondering if it is worth turning the computer back on to see if I remembered to use the last of my ability on good ol’ 211513…

437734 – one of my favourites to part – it is a freaking palindrome! Cool, eh!?! So you only have to memorize half of it!

216213 – another one I have memorized naturally over time.  But sometimes she still trips me up, and I waste 10 Ability here and there, getting it mixed up with 211513.  (Sorry for scaring you and making you check your logs, 211613 and 216513 – whoever you are; stay in my dreams, where you belong…).  I usually realize my error the next revive, but only after swearing at the computer and game for making a mistake that I know I “possibly” could never have made…

494226 – easy enough to work out – 4, 9, 4 some 2s and then a 6!  He only kills me when I forget to kill myself and go to buy something…

46541 – looking at this you would have thought I tried to remember the 4 then the 6, 5, 4, and then a 1, but the King and I go way back (at least in my logs – he probably does not even know I exist – I am just a stat for him), and he is one of the rare 5 digit IDs I have to remember, and always just did it is a 2 and 3 digit project – 46, then 541… I can’t explain it any clearer…

1 – see 42 above…

484212 – I like it a lot, ’cause it has 4, then 4 doubled, then 8 halved, then 8 quartered, then 8 eighthed, then 4 halved….

330806 – 33 is Al Iafrate – The Human Highlight Film – so that is fun to remember, then 08 and 06.  Yah, I know, hard to work through, but I am trying my best!

81886 – Whether he knows it or not, he and Mutt **** me up all the time – between the two of them there are too many 8s and 6s to remember.  Well, ok, maybe too many 8s and two 6s, but still, I always have to do a double take to remember who I am Parting with.

587452 – He thankfully wears a Merchant hat more than he enters the Ven, so he is at the bottom of the list, and does not usually get Parted too often.  No strategy for him yet.  May not need one.

261382 – I could not believe this guy was last in my list (I have listed them from who killed me most recently to the last time the logs were erased – Nov 24th, 2010), but I guess he has been hiding up in level 55 not wantingto waste his time with small fish.  Anyway, I liked him more when he was level 500, but meh, what can you do? Anyway, it is easy enough to remember, it has a good rhythm to it, like a pizza company jingle or something – “Call 2-6-1-3-8-2 and Monster will deliver…”

Well, while I am sure there are many out there that can kick my arse, I am thankful they have not since Nov 24th, or else they would be on this list.  Hopefully my respect for you is enough and you remain anonymous.

I hope I have been able to help inspire you to come up with your own strategy on how to best part with those that harass you, and thusly clean up your logs a bit more so they are not so cluttered with silly attack logs.

SP

SP does not necessarily recommend, nor endorse the above mentioned product.  Now, if they PAY me to recommend and/or endorse it/them, well, that is a whole different story…

17
Dec

The Eggs are Here! The Eggs are Here!

   Posted by: SwineParrot

Jesus is not even born yet and we are running around wild looking for Easter Eggs!

Rumour has it the Easter Bunny was last seen dumping a small cache of eggs somewhere in the Dark Forest.

He would have delivered more Eggs to all the DW kiddies, but Ziggy Monster allegedly struck him down handily.

“I thought he was a mud snake,” Ziggy answered when asked by reporters why he would attack the Easter Bunny.  “I get 5 plats for getting 7 of them.  That is not chump change, you know.  I am hoping to raise enough gold for a trip to the SCC.  I only need a few more APs to be satisfied.”

It all happened so fast.  Ziggy was busy lifting a fallen tree to gain some more strength when he saw a blur race between his legs from beneath the fallen log.  Jumping into action quicker than you can say “Holy Shit! Stop! That is NOT a MUD SNAKE!  It is indeed the fair Easter Bunny!  Don’t kill the cute furry little creature, Ziggy!!!…”  The farmers almost were going to be eating BBQ’d rabbit (tastes like chicken).

Upon closer examination of said fallen tree Ziggy noticed a glowing egg in a hollow within the tree.  Eagerly snatching it and putting it in his sack to scramble later, Ziggy set off to find the rest of the Mud Snakes he promised the lazy Hunter that does not actually do any of the hunting himself and instead contracts it out to desperate warriors in search of easy coin.

The Bunny was last heard screaming “RAAWR! Bunny smash!!’ as he angrily bounded off into the Dark Forest.

Disappointed he could not fry up his newly found egg, Ziggy Monster was in the midst of throwing it down the garbage shoot when a wise old Onion cuffed him in the back of the head to knock some sense into the Monster.  “Go read the Main Game Forums, dude” Onion said.  “All will be explained there.”

A 1:00 press conference was called to announce the discovery of the first egg.  Besieged by a flock of reporters asking WHERE EXACTLY he had found the precious egg, Ziggy ever so helpfully replied, “In the DF.”

The search continues for more lost eggs…

In an unrelated story, it has been reported no one has EVER seen Psycho Steve and the Easter Bunny in the same room at the same time…

27
Nov

Mo-vember

   Posted by: SwineParrot

This has been a month of revelation and humiliation all rolled into one both inside DW and out in the Real World.

Growing a moustache is not as easy as it might look to some…

Killing 200,000 people in a month is not walk in the park either.  Not if you want to stay on the good side of your wife…

I have pushed myself as hard as I dared this month.  And the whiskers still look splotchy.  Oh, and I don’t think I will make it to 200,000, either.  I had grand expectations of myself – I had it all worked out – I even CHEATED! – I started my ‘stache before the kids were even trick-or-treating! Shhh… don’t tell the guys at work; they already have a low opinion of me as it is, and my moustache hardly did anything to improve that.  Curses for only being half Italian!  I did not even end up with a new nick name! Joe is now ‘Mario,’ Jim got the moniker “The Hulkster’ because of his Fu-Man-Chu, my boss started a week LATE and his moustache looks like he ripped it off of Magnum P.I. or The Bandit!  Mark is now ‘Matt Dillion as the Detective in the movie with Cameron Diaz…” (not a great handle, but at least it creates a visual for people).  Me? I just get giggles and sympathy smiles, like when someone tells you your fly is undone.  Oh, the girls tried to stroke my ego – I got things like ”Robin Hood,” and “Johnny Depp” but I think they just felt sorry for me and my folliclly challenged face.  Regardless, it is near the end of the month, I am the only one still styling my ‘stache, and I am the only one without a cool new name.  At least I brought a smile to a lot of people’s faces during this time.

Anyway, as I already stated I had worked it all out – 200,000 kills in 30 days – 7,000 kills a day – easy-peasy!  I was even planning on calling in sick one day to give me an edge.  And what with all those free subbies, it was going to be a turkey shoot!  Well, on my sick day I really WAS sick, and the subbies have since run out.  Add that to two squabbling kids and a wife that works even harder than you do both professionally and domestically, and my 200,000 slowly unraveled into a slim chance of respectability.  With two days left, it does not look like it is going to happen – not if I want to stay married, which I do…

In DW, do you know how many people you have to Ven to get a 99% Kill Rate when you already have 20,000 of your own deaths to compensate for? A LOT!  I wish I could be satisfied with this month’s Blood Lust, but I fear the voices inside my head will keep pushing me to attain that prestigeous number.  I already had to lie to one of the most important people in my life – my massage therapist – when she noticed how tense the right side of my body was.  That is a combination of trying to kill 200,000 people and doing it on a couch with stubby armrests, forcing me to not keep my arm in tight to my body as I watch TV.  EVIL COUCH!  But, it is so comfortable when you are doing what you are supposed to be doing on it.  I love you couch; I am sorry I called you ‘evil.’

So, there are two days left.  I am sitting here with a thinly veiled excuse for man-hairgrowth on the upper lip, and 145,000 kills.  Two days left for my moustache, and two days to kill 200,000 … uh, I did not get a cool nick name, but would you settle for 150,000? Come on, don’t look at me like that, I need your pity vote to downgrade my dreams. 

Help a pigbird out…

Wow, I have to say this is really exciting to be part of this team.  I have already read some of these other professional bloggers and it looks like I will have my hands full trying to keep up.  Not only am I new to “blogging,” but as I type this I am looking at what seems to be the old-new forums before they were ripped away again and replaced with the older-new again forums.  Imagine my confusion looking at all these buttons to press… so tempting! 

Well, I am SwineParrot, formally SwineFlu, and initially Swineparrot with a small “p.” I am a Clan Owner, a DW Staffer, and a Veteran Player.  I am a formally non-spender turned spender-when-my-wife-is not-looking.  I am a know it all, yet I know it when I act like a noob.  I can lend a hand, but it would appear to some that  I would rather stick my foot in my mouth.  I have been told by a friend I must have been born without a filter in my brain - as I tend to spout things sometime best left unsaid, as witnessed when I said out loud (truthfully) to an audience that this friend tried hard for “number three” as he really wanted a boy – IN FRONT OF HIS TWO DAUGHTERS!

All of these things are me, yet none of them define who I am.

I am … PigBird!